Divorced

If I could tell you how many times your voice rings in my ears, your name echos in my mind, your fingertips graze the back of my hand

If I could count the moments I miss you, miss us, the way we used to be before we were a definition, before we were living in the real world

If I could let you read my mind, feel my heart, would it make a difference?
Maybe.

I wonder how many more nights I will have to spend wondering if you're okay, wondering if you will leave me like my father did, wondering where your guns are

The guns, the bullets, the ammunition you have on me
The dirt, the lies, the secrets...

All like budding wild flowers. I'm so afraid other people will find out my misgivings. What difference does it make? Words and words and words and nothing ever comes of them.

There is a condition and I am not strong enough to put you before that.

I am lost. You helped my dreams come true. I strive, I worked hard, I dragged you out from beneath your blankets, made you open yours eyes to the light, and supported you as you climbed from the damp earth.

But I cannot walk away. As much as my mind tells me it is the right thing for you, for us, my heart just won't.

And that is why, although you don't see me trying, my insides are morphing, retching with the letters, the words.

I love you. But not ...

MEMOIR: Nipples- 8th Grade (2001-2002)

When I was in 8^th grade I was wavering. I was in a battle between who people thought I was and who I wanted people to think I was. Mostly, I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to be desired and sought after. Back then I couldn’t care less if people thought I was smart. People knew I was smart and I was tired of playing that role. My entire life I had been told I was beautiful, but not by my peers. It perplexed me.

I remember being in my middle school Algebra I class with some of the more popular people in my grade. My teacher was the father of a girl I went to Kindergarten with. To this day I still have a photo of her at my 6^th birthday party. When you live in a small desert community, people and places tend to connect. Alas, she is not the subject of this entry.

I did not develop physically as quickly as my peers, and looking at my mother, I probably wouldn’t ever. I started stuffing my bra in the 6^th grade. I wore very padded bras and thin, sheer shirts. My bubble butt was definitely NOT evenly matched with the upstairs.

One day, I was wearing a beige, long sleeved shirt with a scoop neck. I felt comfortable and slightly sexy. The most popular boy at my school, whom I liked but felt more brother/sister with, was in my math class. I was flattered, and then embarrassed when he said, “You should wear a thicker bra, I can see your nipples.”

I laughed it off- if he only knew just how thick my bra actually was! It’s funny, the things we remember. I vividly remember this exchange. I remember the layout of the tables, the white boards to the front and side of the room, the teacher’s desk at the back of the room.

I know he was trying to save me from shame or whatever, but it was the opposite. The roundness he thought was nipple- was actually toilet paper. Looking back now, I wonder if he remembers this interaction. I wonder if he knew I was stuffing my bra and in his kind, brotherly way, he was trying give me a hint. Maybe he was warning me that he had caught on and it was better for him to pretend he hadn’t and break it to me this way.

I finally grew REAL boobs in high school. However, this simple, one minute conversation led to me start wondering why my self-esteem was so heavily based in what I thought other people thought- or what other people thought I should be and how all of that has led me through so many mistakes throughout the years. 

Test

Have You Ever Played Plants vs. Zombies?

My son is in love with this game. He is buckethead zombie.

He walks around like this, sometimes in the grocery store or at the park:

Sometimes he's even conehead zombie: (we can't get the cone to stay so he puts it on top of a bucket)

Yeah, he's cute.

Interview

The interview went well. It was strange. They were really nice! I think I have a good shot but there's only 2 openings in the Victorville office. I want to interview with Barstow, too. That's next Wednesday but I'll have to leave work early... Hm... I think it's worth it. What do you think?

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Here's the whole story...

Saturday, January 12th, 2013

I felt fine all day. I drove down to Ontario with Jonathan and the baby and still felt fine. Waiting in the front of Vince's I still felt fine. As soon as we sat down and all the smells hit me- not feeling so fine. My stomach was in knots. I had hardly eaten all day but I had zero appetite. Jonathan ordered a meal and I was going to take the salad and he was going to share his pasta and bread with the baby. I ate a few bites of salad (more than I wanted to because I knew I hadn't eaten much) and a couple of pickles. By the end of dinner I had barely talked and was starting to feel feverish.

We went around the corner to Jonathan's Uncle Mark's house to have dessert and catch up with family. I ended up throwing up at least three times. finally, around 8pm, we left for home. Jonathan drove this time. I had to throw up so quickly that I couldn't tell Jonathan to pull over soon enough. When we weren't going very fast, due to contruction, throwing up out of the passenger window wasn't so bad. The wind felt great on my face and it took the smell and chunks away. (Not so great for the cars behind us, sorry). But once we were going 70-80, It started flying in my hair. It was really gross. ha ha. I finally got home and got into bed. I threw up once or twice more that night. I couldn't even hold water down.

Sunday, January 13th, 2013

Still feeling nauseous, but good enough to sit through church and teach our Sunday School class. I had a cough, but I could drink water. I made it through. I went home after church and passed out. I slept on and off all day.

Monday, January 14th, 2013

My teacher was sick but I felt well enough to work. It was a slow day. Most of the kids were absent, thank goodness. The entire school, students and faculty, were sick or getting over being sick. Now all I had was a head cold and a cough, which wasn't that bad. Plus, I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday. I got home from work and went right to sleep.

Tuesday, January 15th, 2013

Woke up this morning and thought my head was going to explode. April still sick as well. It was hard to hear because my head was stuffy and so were my ears. I could barely talk, I had such a bad migraine. Again, went home and went to sleep.

Wednesday, January 16th, 2013

It was a short day with the kids. I still had to stay for my regular hours but at least I could sit and do paperwork instead of chasing after kids. After work I went home, took Kaleb to Jonathan, grabbed my mom and Sarah, and dropped Sarah off at her clinic appointment around 4:00pm. I made it over to my doctor's office on Highway 18 right on time at 4:30pm. When I got into the office it took them a minute but then they told me there were no doctors in the office today and that Doctor Mungcol was in "the Victorville office". Of course I was angry and told the receptionist to call the other office and let them know I would be late.

On the way over there I got a call. The receptionist said the doctor would not see me because I was too late. At this point it was only 4:37pm.

Receptionist: You're appointment was at 4:15.
Me: No, it was at 4:30pm AND you guys failed to inform me that the doctor was at the Victorville office.
Receptionist: We just assumed you knew it was for the Victorville office when you made the appointment.
Me: How would I know that? I live in Apple Valley and I've only ever been to the Apple Valley office.
Receptionist: Did someone call to confirm the appointment?
Me: Actually, no. They called and spoke to my mom but never got a hold of me.  AND they DID NOT tell her it would be at the Victorville office and they did not confirm a time. However, I called last week and confirmed the appointment myself, and they told me it was at 4:30 and never mentioned it being in the Victorville office.
Receptionist: It doesn't matter the doctor said he won't see you today. I can accommodate you, though. Can you come in tomorrow at 8am?
Me: No, I work. 

And she continued to argue with me. I finally got there at 4:45pm. She STILL fought with me. She kept saying she would accommodate me on my lunch or after work the next day and I kept telling her I wasn't going to leave until the doctor saw me. I mean, really. I'm a sick patient, this is THEIR fault, and they argue with me and refuse to see me?! A patient he hardly ever sees!

The doctor did eventually see me. He was a complete ass hole. He asked my mom a question and right when she was in the middle of answering he put his finger up and told her to stop talking! WTH!?!?!!? He prescribed me a cough medicine, antibiotic, and sudafed. He asked how long it had been going n, my symptoms and if I was allergic to penicillin, which I'm not.

My bad luck continued. I picked Sarah up from the clinic. We went to Walgreens to have my prescription filled and they said it would take 40 minutes. So we went and ate at Del Taco. 45 minutes later I showed up for my prescription and they said the doctor faxed it to a different Walgreens and they had to stop payment over there and transfer it and that that would take about 15 minutes. Seriously? Why didn't they call me 45 minutes ago to tell me that. It was crazy.

I went home, took my cough syrup (disgusting) and decided to wait until the morning to take my antibiotics.

Thursday, January 17th, 2013

Took my first 875mg of antibiotics, cough syrup, and sudafed. Went to work. Felt worse than I had all week. I just felt like I was getting worse. Somehow made it through the day. Went to counseling. Went home. Took another dose of my meds like I was supposed to. All day at work I had two sweaters and two jackets, plus leggings on under my pants. And I was shivering still. I was so cold, I must've had a fever. My arms and legs were tingly, though. Went to sleep.

Friday, January 18th, 2013

I woke up to get ready for work optimistic that my meds were working. Kinda. I didn't have a fever anymore but my head was still hurting for the third or fourth day in a row. I went to the bathroom to poop. I took off my pajama pants but when I was reaching for my jeans everything got super bright. I was dizzy and I forgot what I was doing. I could tell I was about to faint so I leaned my body over the bathtub so I wouldn't hit my head on the counter when it happened. I couldn't see anything and I couldn't hear anything. I desperately wanted to call for help but I couldn't. I don't know how long I was like that but I woke up gasping for breath. I pulled up my underwear and crawled, literally, back into bed. I called for my mom and she helped me drink some water. She brought me the phone.

I called the IEHP Nurse Advice Line and they told me I may be dehydrated. I was instructed to drink some water and try to eat something and to call back or go to the ER of things didn't improve. This all made sense since I haven't been able to eat much all week. But I had a funny feeling I shouldn't be taking those antibiotics.

I found out that the specific antibiotic that the doctor prescribed for me has side effects that make all of the things I am being monitored by the doctor for- worse. Easy bruising, fainting and dizziness, low platelets, and when you have a viral infection (like my HSV I) it creates bad outbreaks. None of this was discussed. I should never have been prescribed this medication. As a result I have 6 cold sores on my lips and one in my nose. IN MY NOSE! I've never EVER had this bad of an outbreak. Stupid "doctor" just wanted me out of his hair. I am in so much pain. Cold sores are no joke.

THE most unflattering photos ever! Revenge of the cold sores Jan. 2013.

Revenge of the cold sores Jan. 2013.

Today, January 21st, 2013

I feel much better, aside from the pain and annoyance that comes with cold sores. Let this serve to remind you to avoid promiscuity and kissing people with herpes. Unfortunately, I got them from my aunt as a child. Poor Kaleb has gotten them from me. It is very easy to pass along. Also, don't force your doctor to see you, he just might end up making you feel worse.

Pictures of my nasty outbreak to come!

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I got a couple of calls for an interview!

Someone called the house phone and asked for Nicole.
My mom told them there was no one by that name.
They called back.
My mom didn't answer.

They called my cell phone.
She said she accidentally asked for the wrong person last time she called.
She said she was calling from Adult Protective Services in the Victorville office and wanted to know if I would come in to interview on Wednesday for the Social Worker II position.
I said yes.
Yay!
Then she called again a couple of hours later and asked if I wanted to interview for the Social Worker II Trainee position.
I said yes, but that I was already interviewing for the regular II position.
She said she thought my name looked familiar.
Ha ha.

Interview. Wednesday at 1:00pm. Hopefully I can sneak off and do it during my lunch!
Yay me!
My test results aren't even in yet!
:)